Empathy

Empathy. I have been thinking a lot about it recently. Certainly it seems lacking in our current political environment. People are either on one side or the other. They seek to judge, not to understand. So we remain divided and ineffective in working together on things on which we might actually agree.

Leading with empathy is an important ingredient when bringing diverse teams together to leverage their collective experience towards a common mission. It requires moving from judgment to understanding.

Empathy is defined as “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another”. Studies show that we are all born with what is called “affective” empathy. Think of how you wince when you see someone get hurt.

To lead with empathy requires something more. As the definition states: it’s the ACTION of understanding. To act requires a personal desire, a motivating force.

My motivating force came early in my career. I had to fire someone. As a new manager, I followed our Human Resource policy, documenting and notifying. The policy was designed to judge against defined performance criteria. It held all to the same standard.

Upon informing the employee, I expressed my sorrow for taking the action. Although a good performer otherwise, their attendance, under our policy, meant we needed to end their employment.

The person’s reaction was unexpected. Growing visibly upset, then angered, I became more concerned when the shouting and pointing started. I had to bring another team member in to help calm the situation.

I was left wondering what happened? Although I recognized the difficulty the employee would experience, I also thought “well, we had given ample warning, and hopefully, they would find another job soon.”

It took some self-reflection and more experience leading to recognize what I’d missed.

Being an effective leader is not just about judging. It is about understanding. And to understand, to be empathetic, requires a desire and effort to step into the other person’s shoes. To listen, to trust, and to be sensitive to the others feelings and situation.

I had not focused on why this person was unable to get to work. I only documented that they didn’t. I didn’t seek to understand their personal situation. Did they need to get a young child to school in the morning? Did they care for an ailing parent? Was there some other life situation pressing on them?

John Steinbeck once noted: “You can only understand people if you feel them in yourself”. I had not. I had judged, but did not seek to understand. I had not tried to identify alternatives to the employment relationship that might have been mutually acceptable.

I had not displayed real empathy.

Being an empathetic leader is hard. It requires conscious effort every day.

But it will help you become a more effective leader.

And maybe more importantly, a better person.